Tag Archives: Week14

The Amazing Sixty-eight and-a-half Truths About Women, About Which Men Have No Freakin’ Clue

Okay, Guys. Listen up.

Here’s Amazing Truth #23: Women have super powers.

Have you ever wondered why conventional wisdom holds that women don’t cheat, say, as much as men do? (By the way, it’s only “cheating” if you’ve made a promise you can’t or don’t intend to keep, but that’s a whole other truth for a whole other day.)

In any event, women may actually cheat less, the same or even more than men do, but if it seems less, here’s one reason why. You see, women are more intuitive and have senses (smell, taste, hearing, etc.) that are more developed than men’s. It’s true. (Intuition is “the ability to know the truth about something without ever having been told, shown or taught.”)

That’s why a woman can tell if you’ve been smoking (no matter how much mouthwash you use), she can tell if there’s another woman’s perfume or bodily scent on you, (no matter how many showers you take), and that’s how she can tell that another woman has been in your apartment (no matter how well you think you’ve cleaned up).

Men, on the other hand, do not possess such developed senses and intuition, but here’s the really interesting part.

You see, even though they are vastly different from each other, both men AND women actually BELIEVE that the other gender is just like they are. You see, people tend to view other people through their own unique lens. For example, people who take drugs believe that everyone must have experimented at least once. People who are untrustworthy believe no one can be trusted, etc. They believe “The world is just like me.”

What this means is that MEN–who are NOT endowed with hyper-senses and keen intuition– believe they can get away with anything, since they have no idea that such powers even exist, and have no freakin’ clue what women are capable of.

The man’s thinking goes like this: “I can bring another woman to the apartment, and as long as I clean up and put everything back the way it was, she’ll never know…’cause women are just like men. She can’t know. Ha!ha!”

Similarly, WOMEN, who ARE endowed with hyper-senses and keen intuition believe that men must also be endowed, so they DON’T believe they can get away with anything, and are thus trapped in “good behavior mode” since they have no freakin’ clue what profound deficiencies men are operating under.

The woman’s thinking goes like this: “I CAN’T bring another man to the apartment, because even if I clean up and put everything back the way it was, he’ll know…’cause men are just like women. He’ll know. Darn!Darn!”

So, there you have it, guys: Amazing Truth #23: The real reason why men always get caught, and why conventional wisdom says that women don’t. It’s not because women cheat any less than men do, but simply because–based on their belief that men can detect things the same way women can– they simply clean up far better than your inferior male senses and intuition will ever be able to detect! (“Welcome home, honey!” Did you have a nice day at work?” Hmmmm….I wonder what you’ll be thinking tonight as the two of you dine at the dinner table?) Never lie to a woman. They know.

Someone Needed to Say It.

From the forthcoming book, The Amazing 68 and a half Truths About Women, About Which Men Have no Freakin’ Clue by Walt F.J. Goodridge

It’s the much-anticipated sequel to It’s the Motion of the Ocean…and Other Lies Women Tell to Small Men also by Walt F.J. Goodridge

UPDATE: You can find all this in the new book: “If you want to be my girlfriend…”

From the shockingly irreverent, yet curiously and wildly popular “Someone Needed to Say It” series of books.

File under “International Dating Advice”

Friends in High Places…skewing the distribution


 Somewhere in the western Pacific there exists a little island of 46.5 square miles in total size. A mere thirteen miles long by an average of 5 miles wide, Saipan, CNMI (Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands) is home to an indigenous population of Chamorros and Carolinians, as well as Filipinos, Chinese, Koreans, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese, Bangladeshis, Sri Lankans, Australians, Americans, Russians, Canadians, Yapese, Chukese, Palauans, and other Pacific islanders. The total population of Saipan is approximately 40,000–but varies depending on whom you talk with.

 8,794.6 miles away in the Caribbean Sea, exists another island of 4,411 square miles. 146 miles long by 51 miles wide, Jamaica is home to an indigenous population of Arawaks, as well as displaced Africans, Maroons, South Asian Indians, Chinese Americans and Brits who all proudly call themselves “Jamaican.” The total population of Jamaica is approximately 2.5 million.

 Jamaicans can be found in every corner of the planet. This is by design. It is our job to integrate the global community to make everyone aware of our greatness. In fact, the JPDPD (Jamaican Person Dispersal Prime Directive) requires an even distribution of Jamaicans across all latitudes and longitudes and on all continents. We’ve been given the task of holding key positions in politics (Colin Powell), music (Bob Marley), sports (Patrick Ewing), revolutionary thought (Marcus Garvey), etc., and of occupying the full range of professions and industries. So it should come as no surprise that there is at least one Jamaican on the tiny, remote island of Saipan. The plan demands it.

 According to said plan–the details of which remain closely guarded on a “need to know” basis– there should be at least 1 JPPM (Jamaican Person Per Million) people in every population.

 However, it appears that somewhere in the Jamaican Person Dispersal Prime Directive Personnel Department [that would be the JPDPDPD], there was a miscommunication, a misdirected memo, or some type of clerical error. For on April 9, 2011, on the tiny, remote island of Saipan, CNMI, with its population of only 40,000 people, there were not the minimum requirement of one, not two, but THREE Jamaicans, all clustered in the same room!!! Furthermore, if that weren’t bad enough, TWO of them held the coveted position of airline pilot! TWO!! (We’re not quite sure about the occupation of the third one, but our investigation is continuing).

 This is not an “even distribution,” people!!

 Somewhere on the planet, there’s a population missing a Jamaican!! I don’t need to remind you about the ramifications of this! I want a full report on my desk by 5:00pm!

 Heads will roll!

Winston Delroy Trevor Courtney Bogle, III
Policy Director, Jamaican Person Dispersal Prime Directive Personnel Department
[That would be the PD of the JPDPDPD]

(click on image to enlarge)
Friends in High Places. Ben, Ron McFarlane, Walt, Cardiff and Chris. Japanese, Jamaican, Jamaican, Jamaican, Japane–Waitaminit! What the—???? Quick, get me a camera! Better yet, get me the PD of the JPDPDPD! There are more Jamaicans per capita on Saipan than, well, even in Jamaica!!