Tag Archives: People Google the Darndest Things

“Advantages of being Jamaican.” People google the darndest things!

Advantages of being jamaican tracker results
Advantages of being jamaican tracker results

Someone in Canada recently found my Jamaican in China site by googling “advantages of being Jamaican.”

What’re you kiddin’ me???!! The advantages of being Jamaican? Did you really ask that???

Well then. Hmmmm. Okay. let me start by saying: According to experts, there are 1,013,913 words in the English language (and that doesn’t include the creative additions to said language that have been contributed by Jamaican patois itself.)

Now, as we all no doubt recall from our high school math class on “factorials”, the number of possible combinations (not to be confused with permutations) of those words into sentences ranges in numbers that are beyond comprehension! The formula requires first computing the factorial of 1,013,913. Just for reference, the factorial of 1,000,000 is already a number with 5.5 million digits. So, that goes light years beyond the known duodecillion, tredecillion, septillion, and even the Eddington-Dirac number. (Look it up!) But enough fun with math, let’s return to the question at hand.

Ahem. Consequently, that puts the possible combinations of phrases one could construct in the worthwhile–albeit futile– attempt to capture just how advantageous it is being Jamaican into the millions of millions of millions as well.

I suggest, therefore, in response to our Canadian Googler’s query, that even with that magnitudinous palette of words, the world’s greatest minds, on the most dedicated of teams, with the noblest of intentions, and the strongest of commitments, toiling ad infinitum, with no restrictions on funding or technological computing power, could NOT begin to scratch the surface of the molecules of dew on the tip of the iceberg of widely-known as well as discreetly-discussed advantages of what it means to us, and to the world to be Jamaican.

And that’s just my introduction to this vitally important topic…I’m organizing the team even as we speak.

People Google the Darndest things: Worldview of Jamaican Culture

Once again, people’s interest in things Jamaican is ongoing, and provides us all with teachable moments upon which to expand our knowledge.Just a few days ago (according to my tracker stats), someone in Maryland, USA, found my blog by googling “worldview of Jamaican culture” most likely to learn more about this endlessly fascinating topic.

So, I did what any self-respecting Jamaican would do when presented with such curiosity: I first chuckle at his/her ignorance, and then condescendingly proceed to explain our worldview. I thought a graphical representation would be the most illustrative, and in searching on Google for maps of the world, I came across a quite unique one at
http://crzisme.deviantart.com/art/World-Map-Typography-262638545.

It shows each country’s name written in text at a font size equivalent to that country’s shape and land mass on the planet. However, the creator of this image, quite like our dear Maryland information-seeker, is forgivably unaware of the need for a slight adjustment to his map. Therefore, I’ve made said adjustment and present to you, and the world a “to scale” graphical representation of the Jamaican worldview. This is how Jamaicans see ourselves in relation to the rest of the world. Thank me later.

click to see larger image.

People Google the darndest things: Why don’t Jamaicans name their pets?

Okay. When I came across this one while checking the tracker stats for my blog, I felt it was my civic and cultural duty to stop working on my latest project and offer my perspective, analysis and actual life experience as it relates to this oft-misunderstood aspect of Jamaican life.

The internet seeker (from the UK) asks, “Why don’t Jamaicans name their pets?”

Now, you might think, based on my previous response to “Why don’t Jamaican’s like frogs?”, that we Jamaicans, as a people, have an utter disregard, disrespect, and disdain for forms of life we perceive as beneath us–both animal as well as certain humans.

You would be forgiven for extrapolating that we Jamaicans would see it as the height of folly and foolery to confer a humanizing name to animals we consider as merely security investments (intruder-barking dogs), housekeeping implements (rodent-catching cats), and household decorations (beautifying fish).

Ahhh, but you would be mistaken. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, particularly when it comes to dogs, we have not one, mind you, but SEVERAL names for these household purch–, I mean, um, pets. Let me give a few examples.

Had you the honor and privilege of actually residing with a Jamaican family on the island of Jamaica, you would, at any given moment, hear the head of the household confer one or more of the following terms of endearment on the dog(s) of the house:

“Dutty Mongrel!”–as in, “get dat dutty mongrel offa mi settee!” (Actually, this name would rarely be used in this context as all Jamaican dogs know–by training and instinct–the boundaries and limits of their cohabitation agreements with Jamaicans. Rare is the dog, indeed, that would make it far enough inside the house to actually end up on the settee. Rarer still would be the dog who survived such a transgression.

“Tiefin’ Ginal!”–as in, “Dat tiefin ginal wait til mi tun mi back and grab di piece a meat offa di table!”. [See “dutty mongrel” for information on transgressions of the human/dog domicile boundary.]

“Di Dog Dem!”— as in, “Lawd gad, mi couldn’ sleep, di dog dem just a bark all night!” As mentioned in another post, “di dog dem” is the pluralized form of dog. (“Dem” can also be used to pluralize just about anything living. eg. The cat dem, the people dem, etc.)

“Lazy Brute”–As in “You lazy brute, go look wuk!” (go look (for) work) This was a favorite term my grandfather would use whenever he would exit the house to find “di dog dem” sleeping on the steps or staring expectantly into his face or hands for any signs of food.

“Mangy Ras”–as in, “Listen mi. If you no keep dat likkle mangy ras dog offa mi grass, me an’ you ago war today!” Translation: “Please curb your dog, or I’ll be very upset.”

So, you see, unlike you Brits and Americans, we Jamaicans do not limit ourselves to expressing our affection for our dogs and household pets to merely one name. We believe that a dog’s name should be malleable! Why name a dog once, when you can give your pet the true gift of love with a name that changes to match the mood of the moment!

Glad I could help clear this up!

People google the darndest things: “Why Don’t Jamaicans like frogs???”

As I’ve shared before, people do in fact Google the darndest things. Recently, someone found my blog when they googled (or more accurately, asked Jeeves) “Why don’t Jamaicans like frogs?”


Click to see I’m not making this up!

Ooooh! Ooooh! I can answer that one! Pick me! Pick me!

Thank you. Ahem.

Now then, the answer is simple. Frogs are disgusting.

As I think about all the various creatures one could encounter growing up in Jamaica, frogs probably rank highest in overall “revulsion factor.” The revulsion factor, in case you’re not aware, is comprised of three components: outdoors, low-dwelling & slimy.

The more of these criteria a particular creature meets, the greater the revulsion factor. So, based on the above, you can see that even rats and roaches don’t rank as high (or low) as frogs do. Rats are dry. Even lizards, of which I have a personal and unmitigated distaste, don’t rank as high (or low) as frogs. Lizards are tree and wall-dwellers.

Of course, if you’re a child growing up in the “country” as I did, then you’d only see frogs come out at night, and it’s a terrifying experience to have to use an outhouse in the late evening, and step on a low-dwelling, slimy, squishy frog. So, there’s also the fear factor too. That’s why Jamaicans don’t like frogs.

Now then, in case you’re wondering, and in anticipation of anyone asking: we also don’t like dogs. Okay, that may be a bit harsh, but for Jamaicans, dogs are outdoor animals. Dogs don’t belong in the house. Dogs don’t belong in your bed. Dogs don’t belong in your bathtub. Dogs don’t belong anywhere near your face. Period. This is how I was raised. So, imagine my absolute horror and trauma, when–as a child–upon arriving in the US and seeing television commercials and situation comedies with dogs in the house, in the bed, in the bathtub, and horror of horrors, licking people’s faces!!!! Egad! Sharing spit with a dog??? I wouldn’t even drink from the same soda bottle as my best friend!!


For Jamaicans, pets are functional. Jamaicans don’t buy food for pets. Dogs and cats earn our tolerance and their sustenance–table scraps, bones, and leftovers–by performing necessary tasks for the good of the household. Dogs bark at intruders. Cats catch mice. Got it? Good. Now you can stay. Outside.

If you have any Jamaican friends, you’ve no doubt observed that yes, Jamaicans will own fancy tail guppies and goldfish as pets, but even fish in an aquarium are not exempt from the JPFR (Jamaican Pet Functionality Requirement). Fish serve the function of beautifying the home. And even though we’ll buy food for them, we make that allowance because the food that fish require is not that expensive, and, last but not least, we don’t actually have to touch them. In other words, fish in a bowl are sort of like furniture. They are beautifying, observable, rearrangeable pets–the best type.

In any event, there’s your answer. Have a great day.

People Google the Darndest Things! (Narcissism alert!)

Okay, so I’m mad at Google. In the past, I’ve been elated when someone searched for “I want to date a Jamaican in China.” That was cool. But, yesterday, someone googled “a picture of a healthy Jamaican middle age man” and my blog showed up. What the—?!! I mean, come on!


See? Click to see the tracker evidence!

Now, as you know, I never reveal my age, (That’s one of the rules of “How to Reverse Aging,” and the few people who know my earthly calendar age, have been, um….taken care of…..but, really now…Do I LOOK like a middle aged man??? Ahem…


I’ll have you know, Google, I have the body of a 26-year old!!……um, it’s in my basement. Please don’t tell the authorities.

“I want to date a Jamaican in China”

I just had to share this with you.

I have tracker software on my blog. Tracker software is a wonderful feature of the internet that provides specific information that’s especially valuable for marketing products and services online. For example, a tracker can reveal who visits your site (no names or emails, just cities and countries), how long they stayed on your site, and even what they typed into a search engine like google in order to find your site.

So, this morning, as I was checking the tracker statistics for this blog, I noticed this:

See last line, Click to see larger image.

Someone in Jinzhou, China went to a computer, got online, opened up google.com, and typed in “I want to date a Jamaican in China.” My site popped up in the search engine results, and voila!

This, of course, leads to some interesting speculation, and some very important questions.

First of all, if she (hopefully a she) is searching for a Jamaican in China and found my site, then that might indicate that she didn’t know about my site before she searched. That’s very interesting. How on earth did that subject (and that desire) come up on its own???? Did she have a friend who dated a Jamaican (or perhaps even THIS Jamaican), and now she wants one of her very own?

Second, according to the tracker, she’s in China already. Is she a Chinese woman who has heard the rumors? Is she a non-Chinese woman, who now finds herself in China, and who wants to recreate a past experience? It’s all quite fascinating, don’t you think? I do.

But, I think you’ll agree with me that the most important question, all kidding aside, and beyond a shadow of a doubt, is, well…

HOW MUCH SHOULD I CHARGE?

With that in mind, I present to you my new service:

“I Want to Date a Jamaican in China!”

Walt in Xishuangbanna on a date,

This could be you!

Yes, ladies, this could be you (and your friends, too! Don’t be selfish now!) For just a nominal hourly, weekly or monthly fee, you could be the envy of your friends and strangers throughout China when you stroll by with your very own foreign Jamaican “date!”

That’s right. They’ll ask (and you’ll NOW KNOW the answer to all the questions everyone is curious about). What questions? Use your imagination, ladies, and don’t play coy with us. We know you know.

Some restrictions, but big benefits apply. Inquire now for details.

And because I have entirely too much time on my hands, here’s the ad I envision. (I’ll have to create one in Chinese, too!)

the ad for walt's ja make a date service

click to view poster-sized, screensaver suitable ad

um, don’t they have laws to describe this sort of thing?